OK, but like what really is people-pleasing?
Isn’t people-pleasing just being kind, considerate, and thoughtful? Or if you’re a people-pleaser doesn’t that mean you’re just a submissive doormat with no opinions? No to both! But, you’re not alone in having misconceptions about WTF people-pleasing actually is.
People-pleasing is a set of learned beliefs, behaviors, and tendencies in which you prioritize other people’s comfort and needs, even if it means ignoring or sacrificing your own.
It’s also commonly known as fawning or the fawn trauma response, which is the use of people-pleasing behaviors to diffuse conflict and feel more secure and safe in your relationships. It’s also been called “self-silencing,” defined as the “propensity to engage in compulsive caretaking, pleasing the other, and inhibition of self-expression in relationships in an attempt to achieve intimacy and meet relational needs.”
Esteemed psychologist, Dana Jack, who coined the term self-silencing, identified four key factors that define a people-pleaser.
External Self-Worth: They feel their self-worth is based on other people’s perceptions of them.
Caring = Self-Sacrifice: They believe that to be caring is to be self-sacrificial. In order to show your love, you have to prioritize the people around you and suppress your own feelings and needs. Many people-pleasers believe that to be loved is to be needed.
Self-Silencing: You avoid conflict like the plague. You feel maintaining close relationships requires you to avoid conflicts, disagreements, and tension at all costs.
Incongruence: There’s a significant division and difference between how you externally present to others and how you internally feel, which can lead to a sense of profound self-loss, confusion, and sadness.
We’re chameleons. We often over-commit because we struggle to say no to others for fear of disappointing or upsetting them. We take accountability for things that aren’t our fault. We say yes, when we really mean no. We struggle to set boundaries and communicate our needs for fear of being a burden, mean, or too much.
Here’s the good news: people-pleasing is a LEARNED behavior. What can be learned can also be UNLEARNED. You can rewire your brain to continue to be the compassionate, empathetic person you are without abandoning yourself.
Want to learn more about people-pleasing? Get my free Ppl-Plzing 101 guide here!
Feel like I just described you in a nutshell above and want some help learning how to STOP people-pleasing so you can live more authentically? I’d love to work with you! Check out my services here.
