How I Went From People-Pleasing to Authenticity
A boombox from the 90’s is blasting a kitschy Italian song, as an older woman stands in front of me clapping to the beat. She’s cheering me on as I’m stomping grapes barefoot in a wooden barrel at a winery outside of Naples, Italy. In the background, a tour group of 40+ people are chowing down on their spaghetti bolognese watching me cringely dance. It’s in this moment, I can’t stop thinking, how the literal f*** did I get here?
Only a month prior, I had officially decided to blow up my life: quitting my job, breaking up with my boyfriend, and determining that running away and traveling solo to Europe was the answer to all of my problems.
I was 26 and on paper, everything looked great. I was successful in my career, I had a loving partner, and had developed close friendships in a new city that I had moved to only two years earlier. But, in reality, I was restless, unhappy, and lonely. And quite honestly, I was pissed. I had followed and perfected the societal formula for happiness and I wasn’t reaping the benefits. What gives?
Needed context: I grew up in an extremely chaotic and dysfunctional home in which I often felt and had no control. As a kid in chaos, you make sense of the craziness by placing accountability on yourself. Taking accountability for the things that are out of your control creates a false illusion that you’re in control. If I’m the problem, I have the capacity to fix it. Unfortunately, that false narrative continued to dominate the majority of my life.
I did everything in my power to “fix” myself by becoming the best people-pleaser I could be. I was the straight A student, overly responsible, “mature for her age” daughter, and the easy-going friend. Over the years, I crafted a specific persona - one that lended itself to being stereoytpically likable, selfless, agreeable, etc. I spent decades learning how to shrink myself including my opinions, feelings, and needs in hopes that if I prioritized other people enough, I’d gain the safety and connection I craved.
To be fair, I got the things I “wanted.” The friends, the boyfriend, the career. Only to find out, I was still empty, lonely, and unfulfilled. I often felt resentful and anxious in my relationships. I never thought people loved me for the real me, but for what I was able to provide. I lacked self-esteem and felt burnt-out and on-edge regularly.
Because people-pleasing doesn’t work.
Because there is no real safety or connection in relationships that are dependent upon your self-abandonment. Because for people to truly see, hear, and understand you - you have to give them access to the real you, not the persona. Because relationships without boundaries or conflict are really just relationships without trust.
I spent the rest of that solo trip starting the slow process of reconnecting with myself and unlearning all the BS I had clung onto. The years since have been dedicated to continuing my personal growth and helping other women do the same.
If my story resonates and you’re looking to finally kick your people-pleasing to the curb, I’d love to work with you. Check out my services here!
