10 Signs You’re A People-Pleaser (& Why That Matters)
If you’ve found yourself nodding along to requests, demands, and expectations like it’s a reflex, you might be deep in the people-pleasing trenches. You also might’ve noticed that you’ve been feeling particularly irritable, on-edge, and stressed (rightfully so, you’re exhausted and your body is cueing to you that something needs to change). Here are the telltale signs you’re a people-pleaser and how these sneaky habits can wreak havoc on your mental, physical, and relational health.
1. The Automatic Yes
You say “yes” to everything, even when you’re drowning in tasks. You shudder at the thought of upsetting or disappointing anybody else, which leads you to say yes to others even if it means saying no to yourself and your self-care. Overcommitting leads to a significant increase in stress and burnout. This can negatively impact all aspects of your health leading to chronic fatigue, digestive issues, trouble sleeping, skin flare ups, and more. When you’re in fight-or-flight for a long period of time, you’re not able to think as clearly, be as productive, or take care of yourself.
2. Fear of Conflict
You avoid confrontation at all costs, even when it means compromising your own needs. You fear sharing your feelings because you’re nervous it might upset the other person. You’re constantly reading other people’s body language and communication, frequently assuming that they’re mad at you when really it has nothing to do with you. Suppressing your feelings to keep the peace builds resentment and anxiety. Bottling up emotions is like shaking a soda can—eventually, it’s going to explode. When you suppress your feelings & needs, they don’t end up going away. They’re likely to come out passive-aggressively with your loved ones, leading to you feeling unheard and misunderstood.
3. Chameleon Syndrome
You change your opinions, behaviors, and interests to match those around you. You desperately want to be accepted & loved, so you seek approval from others by mirroring them. Seeking acceptance externally will never resolve the emptiness you feel internally. While chameleoning is great for getting people to like you, it rarely leads people to loving you because they don’t know the real you! Constantly morphing yourself to fit in erodes your sense of self, diminishing your self-esteem and self-trust.
4. Guilt Trip Central
You feel guilty when you prioritize yourself or say no. You feel you have to earn your rest & earn your love. This drastically increases your stress, as there will always be more to do, more people to please, and more expectations to fulfill. You start to feel like you’re losing control of your life because it’s based on avoiding your guilt vs. creating a life you enjoy. Relationships are important, but when you do things out of obligation, you actually end up creating more disconnection & dissatisfaction.
5. Approval Addiction
You crave validation and approval from others to feel good about yourself. Relying on external validation makes your self-worth fragile and dependent on others’ opinions, leading to constant anxiety and insecurity. Even when you receive positive feedback or praise, it never seems to satisfy for long. A quick dopamine hit of approval won’t fix the lack of safety you feel within yourself - that comes from you.
6. Exhaustion by Default
You’re always tired because you’re constantly doing things for others. You don’t have the time, space, or energy to do the things you need to recharge, rest, and reenergize yourself. Your day-to-day is starting to feel like a never-ending list of have to-dos. You dream about the vacation around the corner or the time when things will “slow down” so you can create more balance. The reality is there’s no good or right time - ready is a decision, not a feeling. You can’t take care of other people without taking care of yourself first - it’s unsustainable and will lead to resentment and disconnection with your loved ones.
7. Difficulty Saying No
The word “no” is almost nonexistent in your vocabulary. Not setting boundaries leads to feeling overwhelmed and exploited. Your well-being takes a backseat, leading to increased stress and resentment. If you’re constantly wishing people would simply not ask you for things or that they could just see how exhausted you were, it’s time to start setting boundaries and communicating your needs. Other people aren’t mind readers and standing up for yourself isn’t a bad thing, it’s a necessity!
8. Hiding Your True Feelings
You suppress your own emotions to keep others comfortable. Constantly hiding your feelings can lead to emotional distress and a sense of isolation. It’s like living in a mask, never truly being yourself. You’re an emotional Houdini, making your true feelings disappear. But unlike Houdini, this magic trick leaves you feeling trapped, not free.
9. Struggle To Know What You Need
You’re so busy taking care of everyone else, anticipating their feelings and attuning to their needs, that you don’t have the time or space to connect with YOU, how you feel or what you need. You’ve spent a long time disconnecting from yourself that now when someone asks you what you’re needing or what they could help you with you go blank. It’s a stark contrast from the suppression of your feelings that you’ve been perfecting for so long.
10. Incongruence
How you present externally looks drastically different from how you feel internally. Inside you feel tired, empty, sad, lonely, but on the outside, you’re known as being go-with-the-flow, always cheery, dependable, & thoughtful. Maybe you feel shameful or frustrated for why you’re unhappy or why you can’t seem to shake or override this nagging feeling that something’s not right. Those feelings aren’t meant to be managed, fixed, or to go away - they’re meant to be listened to and maybe they’re trying to tell you something..
How It Can Impact You
Increased stress, frustration, burnout
Increased fatigue, digestive issues, chronic illness
Increased tension, disconnection, and lower satisfaction in your relationships due to lack of authenticity & false safety
Increased indecisiveness and feeling stuck because not sure of what you want or need
Increased anxiety, depression, and self-loss because of hyperfocus on what’s out of your control vs. what’s in your control
Breaking Out Of the Cycle
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle. Here’s how you can start:
Check In With Yourself: Create a habit of checking in daily with yourself about how you’re feeling, where you feel it in your body, how it’s impacting you, and asking what you might be needing.
Practice Saying No: Start small by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. Over time, it’ll become easier to assert your needs.
Prioritize Self-Care: Schedule regular self-care activities - not only rest, but activities that actually recharge you to where you feel energized after. Usually, these are more intensive than just scrolling or bed-rotting. Go for a walk, take a new class, reach out to an old friend you haven’t talked to in awhile.Treat it as a non-negotiable part of your routine.
Seek Support: Changing these habits can be hard! Hard to know 1) how and 2) to keep yourself accountable. If you’re looking for support from an expert and gal who gets it, I’d love to work with you! Join a phenomenal group of women taking steps towards authenticity. Learn more here.
