Is People-Pleasing Really That Bad?
I’ll start by saying: good/bad, right/wrong, healthy/unhealthy is all subjective. But, as a licensed therapist and ex people-pleaser, I can confidently say that people-pleasing is bad. JK, JK! What I can confidently say after years of working with individual and couples clients is that people-pleasing creates a lot of unhappiness, resentment, and unfulfilling relationships. To put it simply, people-pleasing is ineffective.
You people-please to get love, affection, and safety, but it usually is the very thing that’s actually blocking you from receiving all of those things that you want.
You are not a bad person for being a people-pleaser! We adapt coping mechanisms that serve us in some way - people-pleasing is no different. Most people-pleasers are incredibly warm, thoughtful, sensitive, helpful, reliable, considerate - the list could go on and on. The problem becomes when your empathetic superpower transforms into self-sabotage. Here are some of the ways people-pleasing can negatively impact your day-to-day.
People-Pleasing Undermines Your Relationships
Resentment: People-pleasers often believe that to be caring = to self-sacrifice. So they give, give, and give in their relationships even when they don’t have anything in the tank. At some point, this no longer becomes sustainable and frustration builds regarding the lack of reciprocity and balance in the relationship. When you’re constantly sacrificing out of obligation, it won’t bring you closer, it’ll build resentment and disconnection.
False Security: A relationship sustained by no one ever being mad at each other is a relationship built on false security & eggshells. A relationship without conflict is a relationship without trust.
Lack of Intimacy: Healthy relationships require trust and intimacy, but you can’t have intimacy without authenticity. When you’re constantly shrinking, performing, agreeing, censoring yourself - you’re not showing up as your true self. You can’t be seen, heard, or understood unless the real you is allowing your full self to be seen, heard, and understood. People-pleasing prevents you from being vulnerable, causing you to miss out on real intimacy. Relationships that don’t have authenticity, see greater dissatisfaction in the long-term.
People-Pleasing Wreaks Havoc On Your Physical & Mental Health
Increased Stress and Burnout: When you’re constantly saying yes to everyone and everything, driven by the fear of never upsetting or disappointing anyone, you’re bound to suffer from perpetual stress, overwhelm, and burnout.
Low Self-Esteem: If you feel like you’re loved for what you do, you’ll project that into the world and seek opportunities to be needed. Our brains gravitate towards what’s familiar, but this only further cements that harmful core belief. It keeps you trapped in a cycle of endless giving, self-abandoning, and self-denial. There’s an immense grief and pain associated with the feeling of self-loss, being unable to recognize yourself and struggling to grapple with how your actions differ from your feelings.
Perpetual Irritability & Feeling On-Edge: When you’re having to deny, dismiss, and run away from your feelings, they don’t go away, they get bottled up and come out passive aggressively. If you’re feeling like you’re constantly on the verge of a breakdown, it’s because you’re actively ignoring your body’s cues and feelings. They’re meant to be heard!
Lack of Self-Care: It’s impossible to take care of, please, and gain approval from everyone else and still have time to take care of yourself. Your mental and physical health is the first to fall to the wayside and it takes a toll.
Chronic Illness: People-pleasing requires you to suppress a lot of your emotions so that you can attune to the feelings & needs of those around you. This chronic suppression and dissociation from your body has significant impacts with a higher risk of IBS, insomnia, migraines, autoimmune disease, fibromyalgia, etc. Self-silencing (or people-pleasing) has even been linked to premature death.
Chronic Exhaustion & Fatigue: Most people-pleasers feel in constant fight-or-flight. Everything is an urgency and they’re running from one person to the next to be there for them. Until, it all crashes down and they freeze. They have to withdraw, isolate, and remove themselves in an attempt to recharge, before they try to do it all over again.
People-Pleasing Can Impact Your Career
Fear of Not Speaking Up: You’re constantly stressed about saying the wrong thing or appearing incompetent, so you don’t speak up or raise your hand, which drastically lowers your chances of being seen. It also lowers your chances of being looked at for special projects or promotions. Visibility with senior leadership is important, but only happens if you’re willing to take the risk of being noticed.
Dismissing Praise: You might struggle with receiving compliments so you dismiss, invalidate, or deflect with humor. Saying it wasn’t a big deal, it was a team effort, or that you just got lucky. But when you do this, it diminishes your work ethic and effort.
Fear of Taking Risks: If you’re terrified of disappointing others, you’re likely to avoid risks at all costs which include promotions, challenging projects, or talking about raises. All of these things can stifle your career progression.
Recovering from people-pleasing isn’t about changing who you are. You’re not going to overnight be some mean, overly assertive, super confident person (which btw the opposite of people-pleasing isn’t being mean, it’s being honest). It’s about changing your behaviors, stopping the habits that keep you stuck and unfulfilled, and learning to sit in your discomfort and be your real, authentic self.
Want help stepping towards authenticity and assertiveness? Come work with me!
