How To Communicate Your Needs
Communicating your needs in a relationship can often feel like navigating a minefield. You want to be heard and respected, but you also don’t want to come across as demanding or inconsiderate.
Clear and assertive communication is particularly difficult for people-pleasers who are used to listening vs. communicating and giving up space vs. taking it for themselves. They fear being mean. rude, or hurtful to their loved ones. Gentle reminder that your comfort zone is not a good benchmark. When you’re not used to being confident, confidence feels like arrogance. When you tend to be passive. assertiveness feels like aggression. When you’re not used to getting your needs met, prioritizing yourself feels selfish.
Just because something feels like __ doesn’t mean that it is ___.
For example, just because you feel aggressive, doesn’t mean you’re being aggressive. Just because you feel guilty, doesn’t mean you are guilty.
Your feeling can be valid - it doesn’t mean the meaning you’re placing on having the feeling is true. When we start to think this way, it’s called a cognitive distortion: an irrational pattern of thinking and more specifically, it’s known as emotional reasoning.
You can feel like you’re being aggressive and it’s making you uncomfortable AND that doesn’t mean that you are being aggressive. When you’re struggling with this thought pattern, ask yourself: if I didn’t have my feelings, what evidence would I have to back up this thought?
Assertiveness is the ability to speak up for yourself (about your feelings, needs, and thoughts) in a way that is respectful to yourself and others. Aggressiveness is a way of communicating that disrespects others and tries to manipulate, force, or belittle the other.
Let’s Break Down How To Be Assertive
Use “I” Statements: Starting off a statement with “you ___” always leads to more defensiveness. Your goal is to express what you’re thinking, feeling, and needing. This is a great formula to follow: I feel ___ when ___ happens and I’m needing ___.
Common statements that you can use
I’d like it if…
It’d mean a lot if…
I’d so appreciate it if…
It’d be so helpful..
I notice when…
Stay Composed: Body language and tone matter. Try to keep an open body language and neutral facial expressions. A great way to do this is to ground yourself before communicating. Notice, name, and validate your feelings and needs. Say to yourself, “it makes sense that I feel this way” or “I understand why I could be needing this.” When you’re grounded in your own self-validation, you feel more composed going into communicating with someone else, because you’re not trying to convince them, you’re simply trying to express how you feel.
Be Specific: Vague language is your enemy here. If you’re nervous about hurting someone else’s feelings, remember that miscommunication is often what hurts the most because it leaves both of you feeling frustrated and dissatisfied.
Here are some examples:
I’d like to talk about my perspective on things. Can you please let me speak without interrupting me and listen carefully in the same way I just did for you?
I have a hard time continuing the conversation when you yell at me. I start to feel anxious and like I need to withdraw or shut down. Can you please find a way to not raise your voice?
I feel annoyed and frustrated when you say you’re going to do the dishes and then you don’t. It makes me feel like I’m alone in carrying the mental load of household responsibilities.
I felt really disappointed last night when you didn’t call to let me know you’d be coming home later than you expected. I’d really like an apology
Normalize: Speaking up for yourself when you’re used to staying quiet is going to feel uncomfortable and that’s OKAY. You know how when you go to the gym and you feel sore after. When you feel uncomfortable, start to think about it as a sign that you’re strengthening new muscles, creating new neural pathways & patterns. It’s normal for it to feel uncomfortable!
Practice: This takes time! You cannot say everything perfectly and even if you did, it wouldn’t control how the other person responds to you. Your job is to communicate honestly and authentically. If they get defensive or shut down, that is their responsibility.
Self-Soothe: Remember to find self-soothing techniques that you can lean on before and after. This is uncomfortable and you want to have handy tools to be able to soothe your nervous system, like box breathing, leaves on a stream exercise, doing 5 senses.
Mastering assertive communication takes practice, but the benefits are worth the effort. By expressing your needs clearly and respectfully, you can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Instead of sulking in the silence and resentment, you can lean into vulnerability and build more trust and intimacy when you speak up for yourself.
Want help learning how? This is exactly what I teach and more to women who struggle with taking up space for themselves and communicating in an assertive & thoughtful way. Learn more how I help women just like you here!
