One Key To Less Stress: Stop Managing Other’s Moods
Our intention is to help. Usually, the result is the opposite. And the real, underlying desire is to actually make ourselves feel better.
For us empaths, people-pleasers, and highly-sensitive gals, we STRUGGLE to see our loved ones upset, uncomfortable, or in pain.
Our sensitivity, empathy, and capacity for big feels is one of our biggest assets, but it also can be one our biggest downfalls if we’re not aware. Usually, we developed these traits through extensive practice at a young age, where we learned to be hyper aware of other’s feelings and moods.
When you grow up with emotionally immature parents (AKA those who can’t healthily manage or regulate their emotions), you learn to fear feelings. Someone’s mood shifting was a warning sign of a potential threat, sometimes to physical safety, but more often, to our emotional safety. We were at risk of losing our connection + attachment to our caregivers, which is a necessity for our survival.
So we learned to restore a false sense of safety by being agreeable, helpful, and shrinking ourselves through people-pleasing or by avoiding displeasing others by minimizing conflict at all costs.
In short, other people’s bad moods = we were unsafe
And now, we still carry that trigger with us. We seek to restore safety in similar ways by managing, fixing, and pleasing.
Here’s The Problem
Typically, “managing” others moods looks like: jumping into problem-solving, saying what they want to hear, telling them to calm down or not to worry, telling them that everything is OK, trying to distract them or make them feel differently by “cheering” them up.
You know what that feels like because you probably had some degree of it when you were a kid! It makes you feel invalidated, dismissed, unheard, and misunderstood.
The other person feels there’s no space for their feelings because to be real, there isn’t. We’ve dove headfirst into the conversation with the goal of “let’s fix this ASAP” and they feel that energy.
And the harder we try to solve it, the more frustrated and dysregulated we feel, because it isn’t working! It’s not going away.
So our attempts to “solve” have now left the other person and us worse off.
The hard truth is we’re really trying to make ourselves feel better by fixing their bad mood.
Think about it this way - have you ever had someone tell you to calm down? Does it ever work? No. We say calm down to someone else because we think if they can calm down, then we can relax.
Same thing is true here.
Here’s What To Do Instead
Identify This As A Trigger
We’re not trying to gain greater awareness so we can avoid our triggers. We can’t avoid or ignore everyone else’s bad moods. Being more aware allows us to recognize it quicker and meet it with more compassion. When we know we’re triggered, we can immediately move to self-soothing. Instead of finding safety externally by managing our partner, we can create safety internally by regulating our nervous system. Everyone has different go-to coping skills for regulation, but a few of my favorites are: box breathing, dropping anchor, and 5 things.
Work On Letting Go Of The Story
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. Yes, what you say and how you act impact the people around you and we should be considerate and thoughtful of that. AND, when we overtake responsibility for other people’s feelings, we make it about us, not them.
So often, their moods have nothing to do with us. When you notice this old story popping up, notice it, name it, and ask if it’s helpful (hint: it’s not). Say out loud to yourself “I notice I’m telling myself the ‘I’m responsible for other people’s feelings’ story” 3x. This helps us recognize our thoughts as a STORY. And then re-engage with the present moment around you.
Even if their mood does have to do with us, see below.
Upgrade Your Definition of Empathy
Most of us struggle with actually empathizing with other people because we confuse empathy with accountability. Your job is to regulate yourself. If they ask you for support, your job is to listen, sit with, and make space for their feelings. It is not to fix, manage, or solve them.
When you let go of trying to control other people’s moods, you free yourself up to focus on what is in your control: how you respond to YOUR feelings. You’ll stop taking things as personally, show up more empathetically in your relationships, and feel less stressed and overwhelmed.
Want help putting this into practice? I specialize in helping women do all of this and more. Learn more about my online coaching program here.
